if i text you “馃ぉ” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I鈥鈥檓 not sure what to do
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that鈥檚 what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I鈥檝e got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 馃槶馃槶
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Hey don鈥檛 get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
It鈥檚 gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your r茅sum茅?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Woke up against my better judgment again
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Don鈥檛 go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Everything reminds me of my ex
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it