me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
those birds must be on payroll
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.