🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
You Might Also Like
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Stop sending me this shit.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”