I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online