COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
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God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
damn he’s good
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.