Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Every work call, he judges.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.