My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*