Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
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Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!