*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”