I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.