When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
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[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
taking June’s advice to heart
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?