You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
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Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Cat.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*