Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.