It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
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Word!
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead