Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
is this a warning or an offer?
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I mean…but I did
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.