The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me