Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one