Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
You Might Also Like
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
sin harder.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different