If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents