MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
According to math, I’m broke
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Hmm, not sure about this change
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Dead sexy!!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
fair
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed