I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please