House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close