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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited