Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: