I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I only look at Wordle for the articles
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.