Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.