A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.