“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
felt that
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Did my cat write this
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out