Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
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Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
A leaf blower, but for people.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Probably my best painting.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Software Development ⛵️
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online