I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?