When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The symmetry is uncanny.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.