FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
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*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.