A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
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Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
mom had nothing to worry about