12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
You Might Also Like
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn鈥檛 deserve me.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If I鈥檓 reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son鈥檚 room and tell him it鈥檚 raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Our vision of Hell doesn鈥檛 come from the Bible; it鈥檚 a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Welcome to your 40s: you鈥檙e not hungover you鈥檙e just awake.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we鈥檝e always suspected.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
馃攰
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master鈥檚 degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Woke up against my better judgment again
Guy from the Prodigy: I鈥檓 a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You鈥檙e the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don鈥檛 drag me into this shit
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote