Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I hope they boil the right one.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
termite twitter scares me
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy