me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.