Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents