Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
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Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.