How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
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Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!