her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
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[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
#Caturday
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’