The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…