It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Nomnomnomnom
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs