*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it