If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒