dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
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Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
I’m Sold!
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Where is your GOD now????
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.