You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
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People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Yup
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.