We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
You Might Also Like
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*