quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
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“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
went fishing caught a bass
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Who.
Did.
This?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”