Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
broke down and did it
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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