SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
You Might Also Like
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”